[penned in mid 2017 while I was still with Be An Idea but had an offer from CtrlShift]
Hey-ho old friend.
This is going to be a hasty post. My two year old is asleep in the next room. And anyways, I've acquired some measure of efficiency (i.e. speed) since my last missive - because being a mom means you only have little pockets of time to do what you need to do and, in the majority of those instances, you choose to go to the supermarket. [insert smiley with > < and tongue sticking out].
I'm on the cusp of a SCARY BIG LIFE DECISION. So what's new. When else am I ever here.
Here's the context.
I am a female person, 38 years old, a mother (to a gorgeous little anxiety faucet whom I loooove) and ________? The blank is supposed to be one other defining thing outside of the roles assigned by biology. Specifically, we are needing to figure out what I am in the professional, work-related sphere. But perhaps, we first need to take a little gander at understanding who I am in the spiritual/emotional/relational sense.
Because of the vows to myself I'd broken, the deep barely-forgivable sins, I've not faced myself in almost 18 years. It is time to begin picking apart the fences to confront the mess behind them. I suspect I'll find something that is a combination of vulnerable and sweet and extremely self-serving.
(I know myself better than I care to admit. I may need a therapist to gently hold me as I go through this.)
The decision I am facing now is about where to allocate my time and any soul-deep effort. See I've not worked for over 2 years. (I don't count Spotless as real work but please don't tell anyone.)
Since having Sol, I've spent most days at home, not taking care of him in a deep, involved/intimate manner but spending hours "check-listing" stuff a good mother does, like being there at meals (feeding together with the help), planning menus, bath time, bedtime...all the while, resisting boredom, staving off negative thoughts about "better" things I could be doing with my time. Being only 60% - 80% present. Feel grateful AND resentful.
I've harboured a strong sense of failure for a long time too. Worried about my future professional path since post-Fisheye. Where did this sense of defeat come from? It started mid-way through INSEAD - a time that was supposed to bolster and launch, not become a font of excuses to aim low. To be as rational as possible (for lil' ol' me) about it, I probably slipped up in considering too many different and thus blurry possibilities, and led too much with the question, "what would look good on me", as opposed to "where can I contribute most."
In a scramble to maintain my reputation as a thinking person in front of my current boss, NVR (Be An Idea), I told him I was pondering the question, "where would I be most valuable?".
Where would I be most valuable mis-frames the issue. The issue is How Am I Most Valuable. That I should be the best I can be to my family is a given. How can I be my best self to them? How Am I The Most Valuable Person to my family, to society and to my friends in exactly that order.
Well, first I have to get comfortable with myself. Accept myself a bit more. Work consistently at changing irritating habits and shitty ways of thinking that cause me to loath myself, but accept the rest.
Then I have to focus energies on giving life to the people I love. My son, my husband, my mother, father and brothers.
In the meantime (mmmm, which comes first?), I need to do right by myself, know the things I need for a happy me - exercise, a fulfilling job with built-in goal/mission (which is worth the time I'm away from Sol and not getting to teach him the little things, like how to eat by himself), looking pretty - sucks but its true.
So. We've established that all those good things about being a mother are check-list items. As long as I do enough of them and take care of the executive stuff, I'm good. (This was written in 2017. NOTE from 2 April 2020: Connection is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing about being a parent.) Being a parent to young child is about physical care, habit forming, inculcating social skills and edging them towards being a good human. (Fuck that is a tall order!!). Shit, suddenly I feel this isn't something that can accommodate 5 days a week at the office.
This is the rub. For the long haul, until Sol is in primary school or older, I insist I would still like to work 35 hours a week and not be in a full time role. I really do want a permanent part-time role. Because I want to do all of the above.
Working makes me better to my loved ones. I do recognise this is a situation I'm only up for because my mother oversees Sol full-time on weekdays when I'm out. My maid does the actual heavy lifting while she does the supervision and the intellectual heavy lifting. If I opt to work, there will come a day when I'll be leaving Sol alone with a stranger all day long. Or perhaps, that day won't come anytime soon. TOUCH WOOD.
(1) Working near-full or full-time is a function of having trustworthy, high quality childcare. It is advisable because it makes me calmer and have a broader mindset. This makes me better for the ppl around.
(1a) I would like, on a daily basis, to feed him a full meal, likely to be dinner, play with him in a relaxed setting and put him down for bed. As he gets older, I would like the time to run through school work with him.
(1b) I would like to be able to prepare dinner for my family once a week.
(1c) I would like to be able to supervise dinner preparations daily. Perhaps coping strategies such as reheating the previous day's food or cooking for a whole week (e.g. making a large curry on the weekend) will become necessary. If so, I find that acceptable but only just.
Now the hard part. WHAT do I want to do. What do I want to put my time towards. I remember my dad arranged a meeting with the head of PR for Temasek on the back of what I used to do at Fisheye Analytics. I was "respected" for my knowledge in that sphere. Truth be told, I didn't develop a marketing competency. What I did develop was an understanding of the specific sphere of what I was doing. It was a pity that I didn't - because that was in fact what the job called for. Am I good at marketing? It is impossible to say, because I've not truly applied myself in that sphere YET. I need to take a stab at it. Give it a good shot.
The job at Ctrl-Shift will require the following:
(1) Proactive learning (an hour a day or more)
(2) Working the colleagues (managing internal stakeholders)
(3) Serving the colleagues (scary!)
(4) Being highly organised and capable at managing digital tools
(5) Networking in the industry. Understanding what each of the other companies does.
(6) Being punctual.
(7) Looking decent at work everyday including wearing make up (groan).
(8) Leaving at 5pm or 6pm SHARP in order to fulfill my domestic role.
(9) Travelling sporadically.
(10) Going out in the evening once a week.
Where would a job here lead me? Towards a career within the media agency world or the general agency world. That is the rub. I'd be staying in this space for the long-haul. OR I could take the skills I learn there and transfer them to a start up.
Start up - so my own going concern would be the most attractive option. The hours would be longer but flexibility is most desirable. Having said that, the point is moot because there is no idea now. And because my inner "little voice" is telling me that its bullshit, all that talk of "flexibility", because what it means is "I can simply not do the work if I'm not feeling like it at that point in time" and we all know that is a fast track to failure.
[Aside: What about working do I value the most? I value friendships with colleagues (witty banter + ego-massaging), a good rapport with boss (approval), being out there engaged with the world, meeting others, building a network and a name (ego again), improving myself (book learning and practice). What about the content of my work? Merely doing excellently makes me happy enough. I suppose; the work itself, doesn't need to be meaningful. The content which i feel most affinity with happens to be related to making the world better for women, animals and other disadvantaged. Raising awareness about issues and educating the public is what I care about. To this end, continuing to work with Nadim could be a way forward. Assuming the agency grows --> if I play my cards right, I'd be head of accounts/head of BD in Singapore's version of "Purpose.com"]
As you can see, the discussion has been about me-me-me until now. Let's get back on track and answer the question: Where can I bring most value? Where am I most valuable?
--> At Be An Idea, I am valuable because I am there when the company is on the brink of an expansion. The proposition seems to be getting fine-tuned and earning interest. I have been able to contribute my time, maturity and contacts. BUT I am not learning. i'm not sure how much the company is bringing to me yet. Perhaps because I have yet to give it my all. [Note: examine proposition carefully and give Nadim feedback]
--> At Ctrl-Shift, there is a blank slate and I'll be forced to learn a lot and become an expert or ship out. But again, what would I be contributing to? Another marketing solution in a sea of solutions. A similar "fight" that Be An Idea has but with a lot more to proof, politics, judgement (which I've mitigated as much as possible) and in a sphere where the positive social impact is....well, it is that other ppl get to keep jobs and be skilled up in a cutting edge space that is no doubt the way of the future.....:) [Rationalize much...?]
NOTE/Coda from 2020:
I took up the role at CtrlShift and it was the right decision. I learnt that it was possible to do well, to run a department while working nearly full-time, and then very part-time. I had Sasha while I was there, but more significantly, my mother had cancer, and we ran the gamut of the first phase of "autism parenting" with Sol - suspicion, denial, investigation, exploration, settling on a course, procrastination, implementation and finally, a formal diagnosis. I made good colleagues, and a friend or two. It was a good decision given the options present at the time and I don't regret it. There was bumpiness. And a searingly acute imposter syndrome throughout. But it was, nonetheless, positive and will be remembered positively.]
